Still grieving

Still grieving.  Don’t know if this ever comes to an end, but I’m definitely still on the journey.  Not just grieving for loved ones lost, but for the loss of my marriage, for the loss of babies, for the loss of what could have been.

This seems a strange thing to say when I’m in the happiest place now than I have ever been – a contradiction that I still grieve for the things I’ve lost too.  I understand that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the things life throws at us, that we just have to find our own path through it all.  I try to kid myself that I’m getting on OK, that I’m ‘coping’ and in my own way I am – most of the time.

Then I get nights like one night last week.  On the way home from running club, where apart from a stitch on the cool down jog back to the meeting point, I had had a good strong session, I just burst into tears.  Why ?  I don’t know.  Apart from the fact that I’m very, very busy at the moment (two jobs, one which is at the busiest time of the year), and I know I am tired.  For a normally very chatty person, I spent the rest of the evening very quiet.  My other half knows me well enough to just leave me be – to just sit near to me so I know he is thinking about me – that is the support I need at times like this.  I’ll soon snap out of it, I just needed an hour to try and help my mind slow down, to just have a few moments of contemplation.  To be honest, I didn’t really specifically ‘think’ about anything.  But I know that I just need to calm everything down.

This was supposed to be just a few notes for a future post, but despite it being a bit rambling, I think I will post it as it is…….


So I did it !

I’ve joined a running club.  First time I’ve ever joined a club (quite sad really).  The first run I joined was a head torch run – which meant I needed to go and buy a head torch.  I’m pretty sure that this torch will be well used so worth getting, but it got me thinking about running kit and what do you actually need.

(that is need, not want 😉 )

So did I buy anything just to start running?


  • I already had a sports bra (essential kit for horse riding!)
  • I used a pair of walking trainers that I already had
  • I dressed in yoga pants type trousers and a normal t-shirt, add a fleece jumper and I was ready to go

I think the first thing I bought was a cheap watch that had stopwatch function from Amazon for £4.  That combined with the mapmyrun website to map the route was perfectly adequate for a long time.

Do I have lots of gear now?  YES!!  Practicality first – I was fed up of trying to get kit washed and dried for the next time I wanted it (particularly hard if I was running consecutive days), so I made sure I had two complete sets of kit.  After that I try to stop myself buying more, but seem to have a fair amount – the race t-shirts add to it too!

And I’m always looking for more !!!  (why is that??!)Santa list

One girl at running club had a fab reflective gilet on (think it was a Nike one), and I thought one of those or similar would be good – but then I could do with a really lightweight waterproof (or would I not bother wearing it?).  Now it is getting colder, I’m looking at my colder weather gear – I have a couple of thin long sleeve tops that I don’t really like and a parkrun jumper that I love (but they unfortunately don’t sell anymore)……..

And of course there is Christmas coming up,  do I need to add running items to my list ?!

So, what is your essential bit of kit and what is your favourite bit of kit?

So am I recovered?

It’s already November, not quite sure how that happened!  It has been a couple of weeks since the half marathon (that I still can’t quite believe I’ve done).

I waited until the Thursday before heading out for a short run, and have been out quite a few times since, but not for very long runs.  I do feel that I need to find my focus now though – even if that is drawing up a plan for the next month or two.  Otherwise I just feel like I’m muddling along without really getting anyway.

Parkrun was fun on Saturday – Halloween fancy dress !  As a child / teenager I didn’t ‘do’ fancy dress – it definitely seems to be more of a thing now than it ever has been.  So Saturday saw me for only the third time that I can remember in fancy dress (this time as a devil!).   It was great fun as quite a few had made the effort to dress up – we must have looked quite a sight running up the cliff top!

This morning’s run was 3.5 miles of thick fog!  I chose the route that meant I could stay on pavements as much as possible (rather than narrow country lanes) and had flashing lights clipped to my shoe, my belt and my arm – along with a pink t-shirt and a hi vis vest !  I’m hoping that was enough……

Here is a picture of my running buddies.20151028_080716

Big news is that I have decided to join a running club !  Forms are printed and I just need to actually turn up at one of the meets now.  It has got me thinking as to why I’m nervous about the whole club thing (particularly when I already know quite a few of them in the club!).  I’ll guess that it is all to do with the feeling that I never quite belong anywhere – that I’m always on the edge of a group, never fully part of it (that I could disappear and no one would notice…..).  I do quite a good job of ‘putting on a face’ when I need to, and can appear confident – how I feel on the inside is often very different.  Maybe it is time that I tried to address this.