Still grieving

Still grieving.  Don’t know if this ever comes to an end, but I’m definitely still on the journey.  Not just grieving for loved ones lost, but for the loss of my marriage, for the loss of babies, for the loss of what could have been.

This seems a strange thing to say when I’m in the happiest place now than I have ever been – a contradiction that I still grieve for the things I’ve lost too.  I understand that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the things life throws at us, that we just have to find our own path through it all.  I try to kid myself that I’m getting on OK, that I’m ‘coping’ and in my own way I am – most of the time.

Then I get nights like one night last week.  On the way home from running club, where apart from a stitch on the cool down jog back to the meeting point, I had had a good strong session, I just burst into tears.  Why ?  I don’t know.  Apart from the fact that I’m very, very busy at the moment (two jobs, one which is at the busiest time of the year), and I know I am tired.  For a normally very chatty person, I spent the rest of the evening very quiet.  My other half knows me well enough to just leave me be – to just sit near to me so I know he is thinking about me – that is the support I need at times like this.  I’ll soon snap out of it, I just needed an hour to try and help my mind slow down, to just have a few moments of contemplation.  To be honest, I didn’t really specifically ‘think’ about anything.  But I know that I just need to calm everything down.

This was supposed to be just a few notes for a future post, but despite it being a bit rambling, I think I will post it as it is…….

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